Saturday 6 August 2022

Radioactive Milk

It’s the first day of oil replacing coal at the Hemyock creamery used to heat the pasteurisation gubbins thingamajig machinery. Barry Bullhead and Clive ponder on the bridge playing Poohsticks, observing the now empty fuel tank go back across the road. By the way, Barry always wins at Poohsticks, his floating twig always beating Clive’s to the other side of the bridge. 

That’s Clive’s Landrover behind, the trailer is carrying a fresh consignment of moonshine. This one being an unusual batch, for Clive used lactose in the initial fermentation. I’m sure most of us know that lactose sugar comes from milk - us being deep in Devon - the county of cream and of course custard. Once the gates reopen, Clive will drop off a few jars of moonshine in exchange for some short dated gold top milk for the next batch of nudge nudge, wink wink. 

To the right, Doug is stood on what is now the last of the coal, he’s a bit confused because he was expecting a full wagon load of fresh coal. Shovelling oil might be messy he thinks. And by the way, that’s our Liz stood next to the small truck, she’s having a few days away from The Palace, incognito of course, so to mix with the common people. 

In the far distance to the right, the men in white coats from The Ministry of Nuclear Misinformation are inspecting the latest batch of radioactive milk destined for the mid-morning school milk break. This new early 1960s initiative being part of a new government scheme to make children’s teeth whiter. Another advantage of this ground breaking venture is that their teeth will glow in the dark, making them easier to find if stuck up a chimney or locked in the cellar at 3am. 

And for my readers from afar, 60 or so years ago, most children in Little Britain smoked a pipe, swept chimneys and lived in cellars. Posh children usually went to an expensive boarding school, which is much the same thing, but had the addition of ex-military youth-hating tweed-clad Latin mumbling psychopathic teachers with a well oiled cane and the ability to hit a child between the eyes with a blackboard rubber from 20 yards. Howzat! 

You can buy me a radioactive beer here.


1 comment:

  1. Radioactive milk was eventually replaced by Ready Brek, who's television adverts extolled the virtues of its special ingredients by showing kids glowing in the dark. Never touched it myself, which might explain the osteoarthritis.


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