Moonshine at Mass

Padre Patrick, deposed priest (due to swapping Altar wine for 180% proof moonshine at Mass), and now artisan fish-paste maker, is on unofficial shunting duties today helping Andrew and his Barclay locomotive around the colliery sidings. 

Though curiously when Patrick was in charge of Sunday evening Mass it was hugely popular, so much so that they’d often queue for miles to get in to the church. Well, from The Miners Arms anyway. 

Lack of maintenance, means that throwing a point (switch for my ‘Merican viewers) is always a bit of a lottery, so Patrick always says a little prayer to help it on its way. 

This is usually followed by quite unsuitable language, of the type that I can’t reproduce here, for as regulars will know, this is a family page, with some of you being as young as 73 and still living with Mother. 

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Moonshine Express

It’s Sunday morning, and it’s the launch of the new ‘Moonshine Express’ as the crew line up for inspection and final briefing before the whistle blows for departure. 

Even the engine runs on moonshine, for whilst it looks like a fireless locomotive, steam is created by burning moonshine, which is so much cleaner than coal, and of course in the land of the inch high hugely abundant. 

Onboard in addition to bottomless moonshine on tap, there is rather average entertainment in form of a ukulele duo performed by Chris & Chris, that’s them on the platform in matching attire. It should have been a solo act, but an error in the 3D printing ordering system created 2 rather average and somewhat irritating performers, when to be honest  just one ukulele player and crooner is more than enough for anyone. 

Those who’ve suffered a ‘uketroupe’ performance, usually the last act at a village summer fete (to make people want to go home), will know there’s limit to how many times you can put up with Bad Moon Rising and Folsom Prison Blues in the key of C played at 257 beats for minute. 

Any ukulele players here will know that everything in the ukulele world is in the key of C, that being the law ever since George Formby gave up leaning on a lamp post because dogs kept wanting to use him as toilet. 

As finally, Benny and Rufus Hound are covering for Bob Geeza Cat, adding compositional balance and interest to the right side of the frame. Benny wearing his waterproof trousers just in case Rufus wants to use him as a lamp post. 

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Cat Litter Train

 

Sometime in the mid noughties, Class 60, no 60026 is caught ready to depart Cement Quay with freshly quarried cat litter for the not very well known ‘Kitty Fresh’ factory near Catford in Southeast London. Being lightweight, high sided wagons can be used like the ones here. 

Former film and television critics Barry & Norman, are now employed by EWS to pose in photographs due to the location being popular with Class 60 trainspotters and photographers. 

Bob Geeza Cat, taught them everything they need to know, including always standing next to each other for greater compositional impact. It’s rumoured that Bachmann based their high vis orange clad little people on Barry & Norman, but in toy train land there are many rumours, so it’s probably complete nonsense much like this post. 

However, Class 60s are almost as popular as Class 37s, with many hobbyists collecting as many as they possibly can in miniature to place on their overcrowded TMD layouts. 

Enthusiasts love the Class 60, because like the Class 37, it’s a proper British built locomotive, unlike those pesky Canadian Class 66 interlopers which make silly ‘ying ying’ noises all the time.

This is a scene on Cement Quay which I built back in 2006, it depicting a little bit of what was then the current railway scene. I no longer have the layout, for it now lives with a pal somewhere north of the Pennines where there be wild Haggis and where you can buy ready mixed tartan paint over the counter.

Uncle Bob

Wednesday morning at Brew Street, and railway historian and minority interest TV presenter Uncle Bob, Hard Hat Hartley, Bob Geeza Cat and Harry Hunslet pose for a photo in front of an old wagon that’s somehow managed to avoid a repaint since the 1920s.

Want your very own Uncle Bob?

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Milky Monday

Milky Monday

 

It’s a lovely sunny morning at Ankle Bend level crossing just outside Combwich, as the morning goods arrives from Highbridge. Little Eddie, part time ’Teddy Boy’ and weekend hell raiser is at the helm of one of Templecombe shed’s ex GWR pannier tank locomotives. 

 

Milky Malcolm patiently waits at the crossing for the gates to open. He’s performing his daily round delivering cheese, cream and of course milk to whoever requires such. He also sells moonshine in special opaque white milk bottles to disguise the clear boozy contents. The moonshine bottles have a green crimped foil top to differentiate them from the more familiar gold and silver topped milk bottles.

Malcolm occasionally gets the milk and moonshine mixed up, for he is colour blind and unable to differentiate between green and gold. This isn’t helped if the customer isn’t paying attention, also colour blind or simply drunk. But nobody ever complains, apart from those specifically wanting the green topped bottles. 

 

He struggles with traffic lights as well, but luckily in this part of rural Somerset, such devices are few and far between, and with so little traffic they’re usually ignored anyway - much like many of today’s righteous spandex clad urban warrior cyclists do. 

 

Due to one of Malcolm’s errors, a Women's Institute tea party last week was quite a riotous event by all accounts, with much jollity and cake throwing, as the normally straight-laced twin-set wearing, walnut cake loving social climbing ladies of a certain age supped their hooch laced Earl Grey tea. 

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Fuggy Friday

Tap to enlarge 

It’s Fuggy Friday

Following on from yesterday’s post…..

Deep in The Forest around sunrise it’s a little smoggy and fuggy, it being a mix of morning mist, wood and coal fire smoke, wild boar farts, and Capstan Full Strength. 

Overnight, the wagon loaded with all sorts of illicit goodies has managed to travel the rail network undetected, though a little bribery helps wonders, especially at 3am when nothing much is going on to upset timetabled workings. 

The Miners Arms has a very convenient siding, allowing the wagon to be unloaded nice and close to the pub. And as we can see, everything and everyone are well coordinated in getting the bounty to the bar in time for the lunchtime opening. 

And for those who’ve missed our favourite granny Beryl, you’ll notice that she’s back after a few weeks on Flat Holm enjoying a well earned break as well as boosting the moral of those who work there. 

That’s her standing next to her trusty Austin Seven and Arthritic Arthur who appears to have done his back in again. Beryl should really be less demanding of Arthur. 

What happens in The Forest, stays in The Forest….

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Return to the Miners Arms

 Here we are again at Whimsy Pit and wharf. 

The pit is a sort of sham, it being mostly used for storage of illicit booze and dodgy smuggled items. Though it does produce a tiny quantity of coal, just enough to tick enough boxes to satisfy The Ministry of Mayhem, though 90% of the coal mined is used just to keep the water pumps throbbing way so the mine doesn’t flood. 

On the locomotive, Waving Willy under the watchful eye of Rufus Hound is about to collect a wagon destined for Fountain Colliery. This wagon is also a sham, for those with good eyesight will be able to pick out ‘Return to the Miners Arms’, it being nothing to do with the nearby Fountain Colliery. The wagon is used for smuggled goods, mostly casks of illicit booze destined for the pub mentioned. All hidden under a light coal load of course. 

The wooden casks about to be loaded, have just been rolled off the coastal steam freighter which recently arrived from Flat Holm (formerly known High Holm until a devastating moonshine explosion). Regular readers of my nonsense will know that the islands of Flat Holm and Steep Holm in the middle of The Bristol Channel have been used for illicit booze production for several hundred years, well, rumour has it anyway. 

Next, the casks will be craned in to the wagon, but the harness used to hold the casks appears to have gone missing. It’s possible that Nasal Nigel who was spotted nearby recently has something to do with this, for he loves being trussed up like a Christmas turkey clutching his TT scale Flying Scotsman which he’s modified so it can run off mains voltage. 

But fear not, Steve and his trusty spanner has just arrived to cobble something together, for there’s nothing Steve can’t do with his trusty tool which he always has by his side. 

As soon as the sun sets, the little engine and its load will be on its way avoiding being spotted, covertly travelling the rail network after dark back to The Miners Arms. 

And finally, although this engine is ‘fireless’, is has a tiny internal combustion engines to allow it to reach its destination when it runs out of pufferty puff. And there we are being lead to believe that this range extending ‘hybrid’ technology is something new. 

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The Beast of Sedgemoor

Poke to enlarge 

Unlike in full sized England, which is now officially twinned with Atlantis due to all the rain, here at Whimsy Pit it’s a beautiful hot sunny day. 

Former publican, now turned conversational Latin speaking horse whisperer Shamus O’Shandy, is asking Hubert the conversational Latin speaking horse if he’d like to have a day out fishing in his new rowing boat. That’s it up against the wall next to Benny who’s counting old cartwheel spokes just in case the number has changed overnight. Which they do from time to time oddly enough. 

However Hubert, who is such a clever horse, suggests that it might be a little too small for the both of them, especially if they catch a really huge fish or spy submarine causing them to capsize. And anyway, Hubert much prefers to be on dry land as he mutters something about seahorses and webbed hooves. 

Meanwhile, Freddy the Flag standing next to Driver Peter and his Peckett locomotive is keeping an eye out for The Beast of Sedgemoor which was spotted by several people overnight around pub closing time roaming the bogs. Though that might just be the effect of a night out on moonshine laced rough scrumpy cider which is known for its hallucinogenic qualities. 

And finally, smoke fanatics will notice how both the steam freighter in the distance and the locomotive have an almost identical smoke pattern. Such synchronised firemanship skills takes years to learn, and I hope you agree they’ve really pulled it off this morning to an Olympic level. 

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Fully Compensated Chassis Saturday

 

It’s Fully Compensated Chassis Saturday 

Here we are at Polbrook Gurney Colliery, and a few of the inch high are off on a trip to Bath for a pub crawl. 

As they wait for their service to Binegar where they’ll change for the Bath train, the daily Frome to Highbridge via Evercreech Junction pick up goods rumbles through. 

After their pub crawl they’ll stop over in Bath for the weekend and probably have several more pub crawls before returning Monday morning. For trying to get back to Polbrook any time after 5pm is always a challenge with poor connections and a head of booze. 

The reality, the 4F is one of my oldest locomotives, it’s a ready to run Airfix loco bought around 45 years ago from Beatties in Southampton. It’s since had a replacement Comet chassis, a repaint, renumber and much of the moulded detailing replaced with wire etc. I think it still stands its ground, as well as running a complete dream with the most incredible pulling power due to chassis compensation. 

Toot toot

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